The Cutting Diary: A Reflection & Upload

Hello all- I was recently talking with u/SLUGSIES who was looking for a full upload of the Cutting Diary section of the novel. Since I took a trip to my storage unit today, I was able to find my first edition printing of the fully-illustrated book from way back in 2009. Since I figured there might also be other fans interested, I uploaded the pages to Google Drive and decided to post them here for the subreddit to check out. I also thought this might be a good space to reflect on how this section of the book impacted me, and also discuss with other fans how important it is that we examine her work with the context appropriate for it. If you would also like to share your stories with self-harm, I open the comments to your contributions and invite you to share if you would feel compelled.

If you need support for self-harming behavior, please seek help with your locally available crisis line or mental health services.

HUGE TW FOR THE "CUTTING DIARY": The original version of this as presented here includes graphic depictions of self-harm, as well as actual photos of her own cuts. Please only read/view if you are in a comfortable space to do so, and take care of yourselves.

Original diary from the first edition [Google Drive]

TW for the following discussion of my experience: self harm, sexual abuse, neglect implication, depression, ED mention

Having read back the section, I can now see it for what it is: a (somewhat dated) but honest depiction from someone who is mentally unwell and trying to document her feelings and thoughts about a difficult topic. But as I said in my comment to the OP on the request post, I was 15 when I read this. I had not yet come to terms with repressed memories of SA from a family member, I was not yet diagnosed as autistic, and I was essentially helping to raise my 3 younger siblings in a family where our parents were not emotionally mature enough to be responsible for other humans. I was also struggling with what I now know to be gender dysphoria (AFAB, nonbinary). At the time, I saw a lot of myself in this section in a way that enabled dangerous behavior.

I had begun self-harming a few years prior, but I specifically would scratch at my skin with a safety pin. The repetitive motion helped to get out frustration when I was overwhelmed (which I now know has a connection to autism and stimming behavior), and the fact that it barely broke the skin meant that there wasn't much of anything to hide from others because the scratches would fade after a couple hours. But like most people who self-harmed, it was also a way to help myself focus on physical pain rather than emotional pain- something that also came up with ED issues I had on and off. Now EA specifically talks about scratching herself with a safety pin at one point in this, and at my young age, it had the curious effect of making me feel like was doing something "right," even if I wasn't cutting myself with a razor the way others were who self-harmed and talked about it online and in pop culture at the time.

But reading this did actually inspire me to try more drastic behavior, and I don't think she considered that kind of impact when she published something like this. I knew the risks of actually breaking the skin- infection, scars, etc, but she talked about how to do it "safely" and how she sterilized her equipment to make sure it was minimizing the risk. Without intending to, her writing served to alleviate the concerns I had that had stopped me from hurting myself worse than I was. She also made it sound romantic, and even physically enjoyable- she uses words like "sensual" and "perverse" when talking about the pain. Things that were taboo but sexual like this had an attraction to me even at that young age. Obviously I know now that this interest may be tied to trauma I was repressing related to my SA, but at the time I just thought it sounded interesting. She made it sound exciting, and she made it seem less scary because she was doing it "safely." So I did get ahold of blades, and I did cut myself pretty badly a couple times. Never with the intention to bleed out, but with the intention to try and experience the things she was describing. I thought if it helped her, it would help me. If she enjoyed it, then I could enjoy it.

I still love her music, and aspects of her work were and still are very comforting to me. But I also spent a lot of time as a minor mirroring her dangerous behavior thinking that it would help me because I didn't have access to other avenues to get help. I'm just interested to see how others experienced her work. I think I was one of her younger fans at the time this came out, but I can't imagine I was the only one.