Living Well Is The Best Revenge
At the end of my relationship, the narcissist said things like “I used you to get over my X” and “I’m sorry I needed you to heal, it’s wrong but that’s how I heal.”
And then she puffed her chest out like she “won!”
At the time when she said it, I could see the nonsense in it.
Now, 11 months later I laugh at it.
Imagine being so delusional and so childish that you think you can heal from one person by being with another.
Imagine seeing someone losing weight, getting sick, moving out into the snow, knowing they dropped everything in their life to be with you,
And then blaming your lying and cheating on that person.
It’s easy to get caught up in the “why.”
It’s easy to get stuck right there in the pain, stuck in the rage, or stuck in vengeance.
After you go no contact and reach a state where you’re no longer in agony,
You’ve got a choice to make.
Am I going to remain susceptible to a hoover because I want to relive the high of lovebombing that I know was fake?
Am I going to combat my addiction to the character the narcissist created during lovebombing or am I going to become the next version of myself?
It was very pivotal to me to find out about the mask the narcissist wears. When I understood mirroring and why they become obsessed with their victims,
It made so much sense.
I still have a number of emails and texts from the narcissist where she used the word “obsession,” and she gushed about how “beautiful and talented I am.”
She could never say it in person though, only in texts.
Typical covert cowardice.
One thing that may not be as readily apparent is that the intensity of the tumult in your relationship with the narcissist is a reflection of your own inner strength.
Riddle me this.
Have you ever seen a healed, happy person with inner peace vibrating at the super high vibration of love run around picking fights and asking for an open relationship?
The stronger you are,
The more talented you are,
The more you call the narcissist out,
The smarter you are,
The harder the narcissist has to work to keep you under control.
The nature of a trauma bond is to be in deference to the abuser.
It is a role of subservience, quite like the help.
That’s why the narcissist not only asks you to but gets offended if you are not willing to serve them.
Serve them in what sense?: your time, your wallet, your energy, menial tasks, important tasks, taking care of any children/elderly,
And any other resource or benefit you have.
The narcissist legitimately believes their presence is the gift.
They have shown up.
THEY HAVE ARRIVED.
Maybe even with a material transaction like a present. 🎁
THATS ENOUGH!
When you ask for more, like: empathy, deep emotional connection, intimacy, vulnerability, passion, intensity, acceptance, sustained support, integrity:
You will be met with the tool kit of abuse, not what you deserve.
What’s in the tool kit?
The silent treatment, triangulation, gaslighting, right fighting, blame shifting, nit picking, anger fits, rage, lying, cheating, secrecy, just to name a few.
When the narcissist was first drawn to you, it was because they figured out you’re an awesome person with qualities they’d like to have
But do not.
When you injured the narcissist by being your own person, the “love” they claim they had so much of and are so capable of for everyone else but you,
That dissipated into the atmosphere.
After that,
Anytime the narcissist was reminded of how unique and powerful you are,
The narcissist could not bring themselves to yield, to recognize it, or admit it.
The disorder compels them to try to crush it.
That’s one reason the narcissist downgraded after you. The narcissist is lazy and needs someone easier to control than you.
The disorder causes them to squirm at your accomplishments and be annoyed with your greatness they cannot attain.
Their desire to control others that is the very fiber of their existence will push them into becoming MORE toxic.
The narcissist is aware of their efforts but their distorted reality causes them to see you as an adversary they have no choice but to fight against.
When you are kind and happy toward the narcissist, they want to pop your bubble.
The black eyes. The “narcissist smirk.”
That’s what happens when the narcissist can see that they’ve worn you down and hurt you.
You’re hurt = narcissist is in control.
The narcissist is happy when you’re sad, calm in your chaos, and deeply depressed when you give no reaction.
So now that you’ve been through all this, what’s next?
The very best revenge you can have on a narcissist is not no contact. That’s just the beginning.
The best revenge you can have on the narcissist is to do what they can never do.
Go on a real healing journey.
It’s easier said than done and everyone’s path is different.
But it doesn’t start until you stop looking at their social media, stop wondering about the new supply,
And focus on yourself.
Take your desire to do things for them,
Take your tenacious “don’t quit” attitude,
And redirect it towards genuine healing.
Seeing a trauma counselor is an investment in your health and well being. If you need help breaking rumination or intrusive thoughts,
Don’t allow yourself to stagnate here.
You’ve been through one of the most emotionally exhausting and stressful types of trauma there is. Find a way to help yourself through whether that’s through books, videos, or a counselor.
Climb out of that valley you went to with them and climb up to the pinnacle of indifference alone.
Once you are atop the mountain breathing that precious rarefied air,
Take all the baggage from the narcissist and roll it back down to the valley where they still reside.
The hurt, the pain, the vengeance,
The reluctance to love again,
The suspicion and paranoia of cPTSD,
The nightmares, the urge to unblock them, the desire to ever hear from them again,
Roll all that poison up in a ball and let it ski down the hill toward the narcissist.
Then you walk down the other side of the mountain back to your healthier and wealthier life,
And live it.
Look back at the mountain scape.
Snap a selfie 🤳
Because you have wisdom and a superpower of discernment.
Truly focus on your health, your peace, and your narcissist free future,
And you live happily ever after.
This does deeply disturb the narcissist because they can’t stand to be irrelevant,
But now you know they were irrelevant this entire time.
The goofy, weird, insecure narcissist only has the relevance YOU give to them.
So take you away with you. ❤️