How to undo internalized mysogyny or envy towards other women?

I'm starting to think I might be the toxic friend afterall. I've had so many tumultuous friendships with girls, it sucks. I crave sisterhood so profoundly. Yet, when I hang out with other girls, I hear that little voice in my head being a judgy hater. I don't feel happy for them and their good news. I find myself comparing myself constantly to other women and feeling like we're in a silent competition. I wouldn't say I'm afraid of girls but, I really feel much more inadequate or "too masculine" in their company - like something's missing in me. I'm often stuck in a pattern of having a friend that I'm almost obsessed with and compare myself to in the back of my mind to be "just as good as her". I have this friend she's great, yet I can't trust her, I'm even scared of hanging out with her and my partner - in the fear he'll see how boring I am in comparison to her. She's a legit friend towards me and appreciates me, so I feel so hyprocritical. I crave her approval and want to be like her but at the same time don't trust her. It's so off-putting, not every friend in my life was toxic yet, it's like I'm always on guard and feel very little trust for other women. Since I feel judgy towards them, why wouldn't they judge as well? I genuinely don't know how to heal from the toxic friendships I've had and how to undo that internalized drive for competition and just be a girl's girl. I'm too old to be in that highschool mindset. Anyone ever struggled with these thoughts, how did you heal or undo them?