One Month Later

Long-time lurker, which should tell you everything.

I told my husband that I was gay early in December. It came out after a big argument spurred by us crossing each other's boundaries, to keep it simple (and to not divulge more personal/identifying details). We both did pretty sneaky things behind each other's backs, both of which we have admitted and apologized for to each other for. However, it has been an absolute battle of emotions since then.

We had sex one or two times after everything had come out, and I'm still unsure why I did that. It wasn't bad, but I didn't necessarily find it fulfilling nor was it memorable. And I've been with this man for about a decade. When we first started dating, our sex life was great, but we also were both horny teenagers looking back. I had dated girls in high school, knowing most of my life I've been attracted to women in some form, but fumbled the ball when it came to navigating the actual romantic side of things and the relationship as a whole. Since then, I've only ever been with him. Things began to decline in our sex life about four or five years ago, maybe longer. For the longest time I had blamed it on my hefty medication regiment that, to be fair, did (and still does) make me incredibly drowsy. I would often pass out before having sex. He would get frustrated. Passive aggressive. Until it turned into an argument. Then I would feel guilty for not living up to his expectations. We cool off. Rinse and repeat. To keep it blunt, I stopped enjoying sex with a man a long time ago and found myself more drawn to women.

I have a crush now. They're a wonderful person, and getting to know them gives me these weird and different kind of butterflies. Not the typical ones I've felt before with men (which, looking back, left me with a sense of nausea afterwards), but this level of excitement and novelty gives me an almost manic high. We have joked around about me U-Hauling it to where they are, but me being me, I'm afraid I'll take the joke to far.

We're working through the divorce now, I have most of the forms filled, they just need to be notarized and looked over. Luckily our separation was quick and easy, no major property and no children (although we did have to split our animals).

I've been on my own for about a month and some days now. It feels like there has been a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. For the first time in a very, very long time, I can be honest with not just others, but also myself. It feels so freeing to know I'm gay and can live as that freely now. My mental health has immensely improved since moving out, and while I am weepy when I think of him and how he has been feeling (which he has been both very understanding at times, and other times very hostile throughout this entire thing). All that aside, I'm just, for once in my life, living my authentic self. If you're hesitating or even pondering it, don't hold onto it like I did -- bite the bullet and say something (note: if you are in a dangerous situation, there is obviously way more to consider, but I won't waste space on extra nuance right now). Sorry the post is so scattered, but here's this: Don't go further into things that you are not 100% invested in. If you can't picture a happy future, leave -- you can't brute force love like that. I tried and failed. It hurt for a bit. But then it didn't. And then I felt happy. And I hope you can too.